dear you,
“when you lose a
best friend, it’s worse than losing a lover because you’re losing more than a
heart, you’re losing a piece of yourself” ironically, i came across this quote a few days
after you and i “broke up”. subconsciously i think we both knew it was over, at
that point we were two different people leading two different lives. it’s been
two years since we’ve spoken to one another, but even now…
i remember when we first met—it was the first day of kindergarten and
you had just moved here. we became best friends almost instantly. years went by
full of hugs, playground games, birthday parties, smiles, sleepovers, and
laughs. it was a good time, but then you moved.
let me clarify it wasn’t the move that killed our friendship, i believe
it might’ve grew stronger when you came back. it was what happened to you when
you moved. when you came back you were broken. your mom took her anger out on
you and then you ended up taking your sadness out onto yourself.
most people think that emotions, or feelings, aren’t physical. but i
know you believe differently.
i was there for you.
i listened to you. i gave you my shoulder to cry
on.
my grandparents always used to tell me that people, or friends, will
end up taking different paths, turning away, and that’s exactly what you did. i’m
not condoning what happened, but i honestly can’t blame you. you had a terrible
family life, you weren’t happy, and when you were alone there was nothing else
to turn too. this is where we fought a lot, fighting for our friendship,
fighting for ourselves, maybe fighting for our own path. I think maybe my
biggest problem was my best friend started to verge away. i didn’t want to lose
you.
i realized through this that i couldn’t stop you from destroying
yourself. And the thought of that sucked, but it stuck with me. you can’t stop
people from making those bad choices, going down the wrong path, or just destroying
themselves. you just had to be there for them when they fall.
i was there to catch you.
freshmen year was the
beginning of the end. september was great, she and i had classes together,
bonding more than usual but then you met him. like i said, you were already
starting to go down the wrong path but when you met him, you fully merged (in
my opinion). From my perspective, he completely and utterly used you. you
thought you could change him but he was tearing you apart.
through everything i was there for you, even when all if my
drama was because of you. i was your best friend when you weren’t mine.
sometimes after our fights you would come back and say you need me, i was your
best friend. but i wasn’t. i couldn’t force you to be my best friend.
you
couldn’t force someone to be in your life, even when you need them and they
need you.
this letter wasn’t meant to yell at you or blame everything
on you, because it wasn’t all your fault. when i lost myself, i needed myself, i stopped listening,
and i needed my own shoulder to cry on.
and i’m sorry.
maybe i wasn’t there to catch you when you fell.
and i’m sorry.
and maybe i was afraid of losing you because i didn’t know
myself without you, which was selfish. maybe we needed to lose each other so we
could find ourselves.
and i’m sorry.
you were my best
friend during the best and worst years of my life. your part of the reason why
i’m the person i am. you helped me forget, you helped me not feel so alone all
the time. we don’t
talk anymore, i think we both are figuring out life. we couldn’t be friends and
be who we are today, subconsciously i knew that, but even now i
still think about you, worry about you, wonder how you’re doing, and hope the
world is treating you right. why? because no matter what, you were a part of
me.
xoxo,
l.k
